So this week, my online recovery support group has been talking a lot about how to use nutrition and lifestyle changes to support the body’s healing during the early years of recovery.

I’ll be honest, this particular topic of conversation is suuuuuper tough for me in a lot of ways, because the whole concept of “nutrition” is all entangled and enmeshed in my head with my disordered eating history and body image issues.

And while I’ve been working a LOT on loving myself as I am right now, where I’m at right is basically…

my heaviest.

weight.

ever.

And to add insult to injury… the (very well-meaning but not very circumspect) receptionist at my dentist’s office actually went into this whole cooing and clapping fit the last time she saw me, asking me WHEN I WAS DUE, y’all. And… well… ahem… spoiler alert: I’m NOT f*cking pregnant. Although apparently that’s the impression that my tummy is putting out into the world right now. Ugh.

But seriously y’all, harsher words couldn’t have stabbed me as deeply in my tender, still-healing heart as those did.

And of course, I laughed it off, as I always do. Defense mechanisms, and all that.

Anyway, back to this whole “nutrition” concept. As I’ve been learning to listen to my inner wisdom a bit more, I’m becoming more and more aware that my body is giving me pretty clear signals that I really need to start taking the nutrition part of sobriety more seriously (I’ve been having digestion issues, been more prone to catching colds, getting winded more easily, and having some weird flashes of scary chest pains that Google tells me are not lasting quite long enough or occurring concurrently with enough other signs/symptoms to be heart-attack-related but possibly HOPEFULLY only anxiety-related… because I’ve totally been avoiding the doctor and doing the whole ostrich-ish head-in-the-sand thing).

Anyway, I’ve been absorbing this information but also not prodding myself to start acting too much on it. I’ve found that if I try to focus too much on changing my eating habits all at once, I can deplete my willpower very quickly to the point where everything else starts seeming super f*cking hard and like I don’t have the energy in me tackle any of it… and I don’t want to jeopardize my sobriety.

But I think I’m starting to get to that point where it’s time to jump into this whole nutrition thing and start making some real changes. Err, scratch that, bad turn of phrase — maybe not JUMP in (that’s how I used to do it, like BLAM!, whole hog, all or nothing, and it never lasted). So. I shall dip a toe into the nutrition waters here and there, and sloooowly ease myself into better sustenance habits with little baby steps. That’s the plan anyway.

But there’s still this weird feeling of churny anxiousness mixed with a bubbly bit of hopefulness and excitement in the pit of my stomach about it all.

And I am so incredibly thankful not to have to tackle any of this alone. The support I’ve been getting from my online recovery community about all of this — disordered eating and all — has been more than I could have ever hoped for.

Anyway. Feeling some things, but definitely counting my blessings today. And sending out lots of love to you all.

For context on this post, and links to related journal entries from this particular piece of my life's journey, see My Sobriety Journey, Journaled.