So I had a ROUGH, rough, rough emotional night last night, and felt 1,000% overwhelmed due to a bunch of things that were and are completely out of my control (control freak perfectionist here, hi!), and all of the feelings and rawness and things just going WRONG on me — all of that collided in just the right way to crack me open like a fragile little egglet, leaving me sobbing and leaking a TON of messy fluids everywhere and just feeling, like, broken, you know?
And at the peak of that emotional carnage, ultimately (along with enough crying to puff my eyelids for days), I gave in to some alcohol cravings that I now realllllly wish I hadn’t caved to… especially since one more night would have made the longest sober streak I’ve had yet.
So then of course, this morning I had to deal with the killer headache and the shitty regret hangover, both of which SUCK… but I think the regret hangover is worse for me than the actual physical hangover.
But I decide how my story ends! Right? (Am I trying to give myself a pep talk? Yes. Yes, I am.)
And actually I think last night helped cement in my head some realizations about myself that are gonna be key in my long-term sobriety. Because as much as I hate to admit it, I really kinda felt like EVERY day was a struggle up to this point.
(P.S. Why does admitting that recovery has been a huge struggle for me feel like such a dirty little secret!? Have I been sober-shaming myself with this need to “hide” or cover up the fact that this whole process has been SUPER F*CKING HARD so far? I think on some level, I have for a long while felt like, if you’re doing it “right” and just basically “killing it” at recovery, then it shouldn’t be a struggle. But I don’t think that’s right. I think sometimes it just IS hard. And that’s okay.)
But anyway… all of that is to say, I think this morning I reached critical mass for just surrendering this whole recovery process to a higher power than myself instead of continuing to struggle against it (and myself) every day. So I guess there are really truly no mistakes. Even the f*ck-ups and missteps in “falling off the wagon,” as some call it.
(Sidenote: Regarding the “higher power” concept, I feel the need to clarify that I definitely don’t subscribe to all of the tenets of Alcoholics Anonymous. In fact, some of the beliefs that AA asks its members to embrace just don’t sit well with me at all. But the idea of opening myself to the wisdom and guidance of a higher power rings true for me, because I do believe that the universe guides me, when I’m willing to listen.)
Anyway, I’m feeling a lot lighter emotionally and mentally in my sobriety today than I ever have before… which is amazing, considering how my night went.
Lots of love and hugs to all, and thanks for listening to this rambling bit of processing.
For context on this post, and links to related journal entries from this particular piece of my life's journey, see My Sobriety Journey, Journaled.