We’ve spent a lot of time in my support group lately talking about how we should be kind to ourselves, in our words and our thoughts. How we should begin to practice soft and sweet and loving self-talk, rather than critical and self-censuring self-talk. To tell ourselves that it’s okay, that we’re okay, that no matter what, we’re doing alright, we’re worthy of love, we haven’t failed.

But someone posed a question in the group recently that was super profound for me. Basically, it was along the lines of, “How do I not allow myself to use the idea of loving and talking compassionately to myself as an excuse to drink?”

Right? Good f*cking question.

Hard f*cking question.

Having been exposed to lots of different kinds of meditation and self-healing exercises before, and being not unfamiliar with the whole “loving self-talk” concept (though not great at practicing it… yet), I’ve wondered something along the same lines myself. A lot, to be honest.

But I think I’m starting to come to grips with at least part of the answer to this question — that it’s not about making an excuse at all. It’s about making a decision — the decision not to drink — and allowing that decision to come from a place of self-love, compassion, and caring, rather than from a place of self-judgement or blame. It’s about making the decision to take care of myself fully, no matter WHAT the outcome of that particular day might look like.

That thought process resonates with me a lot. But I’m having such a hard time getting there. Of getting from theory to practice.

I’m still not there.

I want to be there.

I’m trying to get there.

I reconnected with my therapist last night after 3 months absent from sessions (I had been telling her up to then that I was doing okay and didn’t need her, when I sooooo, soooo did). I am trying to be more honest with her now and to work on getting “real” help.

It boggles me that I paid for her time in the past and yet was afraid (and still am afraid really) to tell her everything I was and am going through, not even just surrounding my struggles with alcohol… but other stuff too, like it would maybe be “too much” for her or something.

I mean, seriously. WTF is that about?

I think I am still trying to train myself that this is a part of my life where people-pleasing has no place, and to train myself that… f*cking hell, there is NOTHING wrong with me for simply being who I am.

It’s a tall order.

For context on this post, and links to related journal entries from this particular piece of my life's journey, see My Sobriety Journey, Journaled.