I got drunk for the first time when I was 18. I did this in a very intentional and planned way. I’d never been a drinker or a partier and was actually very strait-laced in high school. I was just really curious what all the fuss was about. Well, my first time flirting with inebriation sparked a rocky love affair that has lasted a little over 20 years now, as of this journal entry.

And over the last five years or so, I’ve become more and more aware that my relationship with alcohol has taken on more of the characteristics of an abusive relationship than a love affair.

I am struggling. A recent divorce and all of the upheaval of money and moving issues has done a number on me, making me want more than ever to stop drinking… while simultaneously feeling more seduced than ever by the desire to use drinking as an emotional anesthetic.

I’ve been trying to cut down and/or stop drinking for years now with very limited and spotty success, but I know I do better at achieving goals when I feel a sense of community and group support, so I have high hopes for what I can achieve with this new community support group I’ve recently found, because it seems like what I’ve FINALLY, finally found is a group of truly kindred spirits, people who can really understand me and who won’t try to make me denounce or renounce a part of myself in order to become a part of the group.

Ironically, prior to my divorce last year, which necessitated a move from California to Arizona (and during which time I had to move in with family… at age 40, like a real winner), I was actually self-employed as a life/fitness coach, and even more ironically, was frequently asked to lead life-skills-centered groups at drug and alcohol recovery centers.

More than a little hypocritical, I know. And frustrating that I couldn’t help myself achieve the same thing that I was helping others to do.

I hope I can achieve more now.

Huh. Hope. It’s such a foreign concept these days.

I guess we’ll see.

For context on this post, and links to related journal entries from this particular piece of my life's journey, see My Sobriety Journey, Journaled.